I Would Be Stronger Than That
by Catherine Grissom
Summary: Events leading up to and beyond Cath's divorce. CG
1. I Would Be Stronger

Title: I Would Be Stronger Than That  
  
Author: Catherine Grissom  
  
E-mail: kleopatra_gurl@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: I dunno.PG-13.. Probably  
  
Content: Gil/Cath;  
  
Summary: I suck at these.It's basically a late night visit for comfort.  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish the 4 boys, Gil, Nick, Warrick, and Greg were!  
  
Archive: If you're sure ya want it, take it. Just tell me where it's going  
  
Feedback: 1st fic. Tell me how I did.But be nice.I don't take well to unkindness.  
  
Author's Note: Ok.Look this was inspired by an awesome fic called "6 am" by AetherIris...When I say it was inspired by it I don't mean that it's gonna follow it.Ok?  
  
Dedication: This is for Megan, my best friend, and my Beta.  
  
Gil Grissom was awakened from a sound sleep by the ringing of the doorbell. 'Who would visit at this hour?' he wondered, looking at the clock. Despite his attempt to ignore it, the ringing was persistent. He decided to see who it was.  
  
There's a friend who will call  
  
When her husband's asleep  
  
Crossing the phone lines for comfort  
  
And she cries that she needs him and  
  
Someday he'll change  
  
And now's not a good time to go  
  
Gil stumbled down the stairs and somehow made it to the door without tripping. When he opened it he saw a bowed head of strawberry-blonde hair that he would know anywhere; Catherine was at his doorstep. And she was crying. He was beginning to wonder why she was so upset when she looked up, and he had his answer. The bruises that covered her face were at least ten times worse than last time's. As he stepped aside to allow her in his hatred for her so-called "husband" returned in full force. It was times like these that he wondered why she stayed with Eddie.  
  
And it isn't my place to say leave him and run  
  
That no love is worth all the damage he's done  
  
But if she'll hold her ground  
  
Then I'll hold my tongue  
  
Ever the diplomat  
  
Oh, I'd like to think  
  
That I would be stronger than that  
  
Then he remembered the small, blonde child, and, while still not completely understanding, he knew her reason. Lindsey was Catherine's pride and joy. Gil remembered the last time this had happened. It hadn't been as bad, but he'd still told her that she should leave Ed, for her own safety.  
  
"Gil, you know I would, but Lindsey needs a father. Her father."  
  
For Lindsey, always for Lindsey. Gil figured Catherine knew that Eddie could kill her, but she didn't want Lindsey to miss out on having her father, so she withstood the beatings. The argument had ended there, Gil had been at a loss as to his next statement, and so the conversation had died.  
  
Where's her head?  
  
Where's her nerve?  
  
Does part of her think this is all she deserves?  
  
Oh, I would be stronger  
  
I would not stay one minute longer  
  
I would be stronger than that  
  
Gil shut the door and walked into the living room where Catherine had seated herself on the couch. He stopped, leaned against the wall, and waited. Whether he was waiting for her composure or his own he didn't know, all he did know was that his best friend was falling completely to pieces on his couch, and there was nothing he could do to stop or prevent it. At that thought Gil had another, Eddie caused this, so if he could keep her from Eddie.Gil nearly laughed at the path his mind was taking. Catherine was as stubborn as she was beautiful, and she'd go back. That was why he adored her so.He'd learned that a while ago, and, while it had shocked him then, he had learned to accept it; he was.No, he had fallen in love with her. But she was married now, and he'd lost his chance.  
  
It started out good they usually do  
  
Then one day it's taken for granted  
  
'Til words become weapons and love turns to pain  
  
Oh, why is she still holding on  
  
When she and Eddie had first started dating it had gone well, they were a happy pair, and by the time Gil had finally figured out how he felt, his chance with her had passed. Then he proposed, they got married, and then came the beatings. Eddie would come home drunk and angry, and he'd take it out on her. Catherine had, and was struggling to make the marriage work. In the midst of this she'd gotten pregnant and had given birth to Lindsey, an event that Eddie apparently found unimportant, as he'd "forgotten" to show up.  
  
Catherine had calmed a little, so Gil cut his reverie short and went to tend to her.  
  
She says living without him is too hard to face  
  
And I try to imagine myself in her place  
  
But with well chosen words and well placed tears  
  
She forgives him in two seconds flat  
  
Oh, I'd like to think  
  
That I would be stronger than that  
  
"Cath, why do you let him do this to you?"  
  
"I don't want him to hurt Lins."  
  
Gil knew exactly where this conversation was headed, and it wasn't good.  
  
"Catherine, this needs to stop. He could kill you. How would that help Lindsey?" Gil was struggling to keep his cool; Catherine was so damn stubborn, and while he loved her for it, right now it was just pissing him off.  
  
"Gil, it'll stop. Just.."  
  
"When?" Gil stopped trying to control his pent-up fury and simply released it.  
  
Where's her head  
  
Where's her nerve  
  
Does part of her think this is all she deserves  
  
Oh, I would be stronger  
  
I would not stay one minute longer  
  
I would be stronger than that  
  
"When, Catherine? When I have to have my team investigate a murder at your address?! When the next autopsy Al has to perform is yours?! How is that gonna help Lindsey? How the hell will that help?!."  
  
Gil was promptly silenced by a sound slap to the face.  
  
"How dare you?" Catherine's tears had started anew, and she was mad as a hornet. "How dare you bring her into this? You know damn well I can't raise her on my own!"  
  
"Why not? Eddie doesn't give a damn about her, he's not the one working Graveyard to put food on the table!" For this he received another slap.  
  
I know what she's thinking and I know what she'd say  
  
That my life and her life are like night and like day  
  
And her love is the love that will save him  
  
Brave words but I don't believe them  
  
"I know he's not perfect," There was a deadly calm to her words that Gil had never heard. " But he's trying. By God he's trying. And he's getting better; your head is just stuck so deep in that goddamned microscope that you can't see it!"  
  
"If he's getting better then why are the beatings getting worse?" Catherine had no answer. Gil's anger had dissipated somewhat, replaced by a pleading tone. " Catherine, end this. Please. Just leave him. He's never gonna change. Be strong, leave, for Lindsey."  
  
Where's her head  
  
Where's her nerve  
  
Does part of her think this is all she deserves  
  
Oh, I would be stronger  
  
I would not stay one minute longer  
  
I would be stronger than that  
  
"Gil, did it ever occur to you that it takes more strength to stay?" Catherine had appeared next to him and her hands were gently cupping his face. "But you're right.. This has gone on long enough. I'm going to go get Lindsey." With that she turned on her heel and headed for the door.  
  
Gil was so surprised by her actions that he forgot about Eddie's other woman. By the time he had reached the door she was in her car on the way back to her house. He hoped to God that Eddie was too preoccupied to hurt her.  
  
Oh, I would be stronger  
  
I would not wait one minute longer  
  
I would be stronger than that 


	2. Black Eyes, Blue Tears

Title: Black Eyes, Blue Tears  
  
Author: Catherine Grissom  
  
E-mail: kleopatra_gurl@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: I dunno.PG-13.. Probably  
  
Content: Gil/Cath  
  
Summary: The road home.  
  
Disclaimer: Do I look like Jerry Bruckhiemer? Anthony Zuiker? No? Glad that's clear. I don't own the song either.  
  
Archive: If you're sure ya want it, take it. Just tell me where it's going.  
  
Feedback: Yes please.  
  
Author's Note: Sequel to my other fic "I Would Be Stronger Than That". May or may not make sense if you haven't read that one. The song is "Black Eyes, Blue Tears" by Shania Twain.. The song in the last fic was "I Would Be Stronger Than That" by Faith Hill.  
  
Dedication: This is for anybody who wants a dedication.Doesn't matter who you are, it's for you.  
  
Catherine climbed into her car and started it. She managed to catch the end of one of her favorite songs before another one started.  
  
'Figures,' she thought as she moved away from Gil's place. Although she was having a crap day she was intrigued by the first words of the song.  
  
Black eyes, I don't need 'em  
  
Blue tears, gimme freedom  
  
"Huh?" She asked the nothingness around her. "Is this DJ psychic?"  
  
She became even more intrigued by the song when it picked up tempo; seriously offsetting it's mellow beginning.  
  
Positively never goin' back  
  
I won't live where things are so out of whack  
  
No more rollin' with the punches  
  
No more usin' or abusin'  
  
"Got that right!" She told the radio.  
  
I'd rather die standing  
  
Than live on my knees  
  
Begging please-no more  
  
'Gil would think I was insane if he saw me now!' She mused, bobbing her head to the rhythm, continuing her conversation with the radio.  
  
She was nervous about going back home when Ed might still be in a drunken rage or worse but the song was helping; albeit not a lot, but some.  
  
Black eyes-I don't need 'em  
  
Blue tears-gimme freedom  
  
Black eyes-all behind me  
  
Blue tears'll never find me now  
  
"Ed. It's over. No. Too blunt," Catherine was rehearsing, just in case Eddie had come back from wherever the hell he went after their fights. This was it. No more fights. No more bruises. No more alibis. Just the truth. Now if she could just get it over with she'd be fine.  
  
Definitely found my self esteem  
  
Finally-I'm forever free to dream  
  
No more cryin' in the corner  
  
No excuses-no more bruises  
  
Her heart had made up her mind as a song once said. She was leaving Eddie, not only because of the beatings, but also because of Gil. Not just because he was telling her to leave Ed, but also because she knew he was right.And she loved him. She'd loved him for a while, even before Eddie, she'd just grown weary of waiting to see if he loved her also. So when Ed had proposed she'd immediately said yes. She was coming up on her street so she cut the flow of memories short.  
  
I'd rather die standing  
  
Than live on my knees  
  
Begging please-no more  
  
Her nervousness was returning full force.  
  
"Get in, grab Lins, get out. Get in, grab Lins, get out," She repeated this over and over, as if it were her mantra. "Get in, grab Lins, get out."  
  
Black eyes-I don't need 'em  
  
Blue tears-gimme freedom  
  
Black eyes-all behind me  
  
Blue tears'll never find me now  
  
Two more intersections passed.  
  
"Eddie don't be home .Please don't let him be home," She pleaded to whatever God was in heaven.  
  
I'd rather die standing  
  
Than live on my knees, begging please...  
  
The song was now background noise; only appearing every now and then, such as it was doing right now. Fading in when she needed encouragement, and out when it was given. It seemed as though the singer were singing only to her. It was reassuring.  
  
Slowly but surely, her confidence was returning. She could do this. She would do this. For herself, for Gil, and most importantly, for Lindsey.  
  
Black eyes-I don't need 'em  
  
Blue tears-gimme freedom  
  
Black eyes-all behind me  
  
Blue tears'll never find me now  
  
As she was pulling up in the drive, Catherine noticed something odd; the light in Eddie and her room was on.  
  
"Odd," she said to the dark and the house.  
  
It's all behind me; they'll never find me now  
  
Catherine shut off the car and headed inside the house, completely unaware of what she would find in that house.  
  
Find your self-esteem and be forever free to dream 


	3. Whisper

Title: Whisper  
  
Author: Catherine Grissom  
  
E-mail: kleopatra_gurl@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: I dunno.PG-13.. Probably...Maybe R...Gil swears..  
  
Content: Gil/Cath  
  
Summary: The House.  
  
Disclaimer: Do I look like Jerry Bruckheimer? Anthony Zuiker? No? Glad that's clear. I don't own the song either. The bear doesn't even belong to me...It belongs to my friend Megan (Chozen Rogue).  
  
Archive: If you're sure ya want it, take it. Just tell me where it's going.  
  
Feedback: Yes please.  
  
Author's Note: Sequel to my other fics "I Would Be Stronger Than That" and "Black Eyes, Blue Tears". The song in this one is "Whisper" by Evanescence. I know that there are two more choruses to the song but I ended it where I wanted to.  
  
Dedication: This is for anybody who wants a dedication.Doesn't matter who you are, it's for you.  
  
As Catherine walked the immeasurably long (at least on this night) nine feet from her car to the door of her house, as, in her mind, it now could not even be thought of as a home, her mind wandered back to the two previous conversations she'd had that night. One had been punctuated by slaps, kicks and curses, the other enhanced by kindness and concern. Suddenly she mentally kicked her self repeatedly for being so stubborn as to leave the safety of the townhouse without at least asking Gil to come and help, especially with Ed being in the mood he had been in earlier.  
  
'Well,' she reassured herself. 'If Ed starts up again Gil will be expecting me to come back.'  
  
Catch me as I fall Say you're here and it's all over now  
  
Her uneasiness, instead of dissipating, increased exponentially with every step she made towards the hellhole that was her residence. Part of it was because of the bedroom light that now seemed to dare her to come discover the secret of the room.  
  
Meanwhile, halfway across Vegas, Gil Grissom was cursing himself for letting Cath go back without insisting that he go with her. Especially since Eddie had already beat her once that night. Never mind the fact that she'd been out the door and in the car by the time he'd been able to take a step. He raced down the stairs and into his vehicle, reminding himself the whole while of his guilt, which, for all intents and purposes, was over something that was not his fault.  
  
Speaking to the atmosphere No one's here and I fall into myself  
  
Catherine hurt. Not just superficially, her very soul hurt. Hurt that was caused by several things: Eddie's rage was only a minor contributor; mainly she hurt over her broken home. She managed to stumble down the hallway to Lindsey's room and looked in on her daughter. The child was slumbering soundly, her sleep probably full of candy dreams and new toys, as the song went. Here was another cause of her hurt. It wasn't Lindsey herself but the fact that Cath knew that she would have to explain to the girl that Mommy wasn't going to live with Daddy anymore.  
  
'Speaking of "Daddy,"' Cath thought, looking at the ring of almost otherworldly light coming from the bedroom down the hall. 'What the hell is he doing?"  
  
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
  
She slowly made her way down the hall to the room that up until this night had been her and Eddie's. Now it was simply a black hole that she would be sucked into, never to return. Yet her curiosity was piqued and she was drawn towards the room as a moth is drawn towards flame, never assuming that what was in that room would be equally as destructive. The light seemed to command her attention and she gave it without a fight.  
  
Don't turn away Don't give into the pain Don't try to hide Though they're screaming your name  
  
She thought she heard a low moaning as she approached but dismissed it as the wind. The weather report had said that there would be thunderstorms, maybe this time they would be right.  
  
Don't close your eyes God knows what lies behind them  
  
She reached the door and turned the knob, causing it to emit a ghastly, almost warning, shriek.  
  
Don't turn out the light Never sleep, never die  
  
Catherine opened the door just in time to see her soon-to-be ex-husband trying to push a young brunette into the closet. Her gasp of shock was audible and Ed turned to her. When he recognized her, his face changed from fear to fury.  
  
I'm frightened by what I see But somehow I know there's much more to come  
  
She wanted to move. To run down the hall and out of the house. To run back to the townhouse that held insects and safety. She tried to move and found that she couldn't. She realized that even if she was able to run she wouldn't get far. She was slightly faster than he was, but, in her current state, that didn't matter. Catherine didn't sense Eddie's proximity to her until his hand connected with her face and she was on the ground, punches and kicks raining down on her. She felt a rib crack. Tears sprang unbidden to her eyes, a fact that only added to Eddie's fury. She hollered to Lindsey to get downstairs and stay there, hoping that she would obey.  
  
Immobilized by my fear And soon to be blinded by tears  
  
Elsie decided to be safe instead of sorry and left quickly. She passed the girl that was evidently Lindsey on the way down the stairs. She didn't care if the woman hated her; no one deserved to be beaten like that. She called the police.  
  
I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
  
If Gil had hated Las Vegas traffic before, he loathed it now. He was stuck at an intersection where some unfortunate idiot had run a red light and had been hit in the middle of the street. He decided to take a detour just as his car phone decided to ring. It was Brass. He growled and picked it up.  
  
"Grissom," this was not his day.  
  
"It's Brass," came the response.  
  
"I know that!" Gil snarled. "What do you want?"  
  
"Gil we have a situation on Rosewood Lane."  
  
Rosewood. Cat's street. Maybe Jim meant Lonewood. " And?" he prompted.  
  
" Some girl called in a 417 at 7146 Rosewood. We have reason to believe it's Ed," Jim seemed awfully sympathetic.  
  
Gil wanted to scream. Jim wasn't telling him something and he wanted to know what it was. "No shit you have reason to believe! It's her fucking address!"  
  
Brass sighed, "Gil this is exactly why I didn't want to call you. You need to calm down."  
  
"Damnit Jim! My best friend is in trouble and I'm going over there!"  
  
"No."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"No. I don't want you over there. You're too involved."  
  
"I'm not going as a damn CSI! I'm going as a friend who really fucked shit up! I'll talk to you later," he hung up, leaving a very confused Jim Brass on the other line wondering what had happened to his normally mild-mannered friend.  
  
Don't turn away Don't give into the pain Don't try to hide Though they're screaming your name Don't close your eyes God knows what lies behind them Don't turn out the light Never sleep, never die  
  
Gil raced into the house, calling her name the whole time. Lindsey was sitting on the sofa holding her toy panda bear, which she'd named 'Boo- Bear'. He asked her where her mother was.  
  
"Upstairs," she said, quivering, ready to cry.  
  
He ran up the stairs, looking for anything that would tell him what had happened. He finally spotted her lying at the end of the second floor corridor. As he got closer it became apparent that Eddie had beat her once more and apparently he had broken several bones.  
  
Fallen angels at my feet Whispered voices in my ear  
  
She couldn't see anything; it was just a black haze now. But she could make out a figure coming towards her. Calling her name. The figure seemed to be clothed in a black robe.  
  
Death before my eyes  
  
Gil tried to decide whether to move her or not. She hadn't moved on her own, that much was apparent. He said her name again hoping for a reaction; a blink of an eye, a twitch anything to make sure that she was alive.  
  
Lying next to me I fear  
  
She heard her name once more. Was this what it was like to be dying? It wasn't so bad. She wondered what Lindsey would do now. Actually, she already knew. Gil would take care of her. Cath's mind was growing fuzzier by the minute.  
  
She beckons me shall I give in?  
  
Once again Gil spoke her name. If nothing else it reassured him of her presence. He began to pick her up. Lindsey was still downstairs waiting; he would get Cath to the car and then bring Lindsey out and head to the hospital.  
  
Upon my end shall I begin?  
  
As she lost consciousness, she was aware of two things. The first was the strong arms lifting her from the floor. The other was more of a thought; the thought being that silence would forever be her enemy.  
  
Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end 


	4. Hello

Title: "Hello"  
  
Author: Catherine Grissom  
  
E-mail: kleopatra_gurl@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: I dunno.PG-13..Probably  
  
Content: Gil/Cath  
  
Summary: The hospital  
  
Disclaimer: Do I look like Jerry Bruckheimer? Anthony Zuiker? No? Glad that's clear. I don't own the song either. The only thing I own is Cath's maiden name.  
  
Archive: If you're sure ya want it, take it. Just tell me where it's going.  
  
Feedback: Yes please.  
  
Author's Note: Sequel to my other fics "I Would Be Stronger Than That", "Black Eyes, Blue Tears" and "Whisper". The song in this one is "Hello" by Evanescence.  
  
Dedication: This is for anybody who wants a dedication.Doesn't matter who you are, it's for you.  
  
Gil waited anxiously in his seat in the waiting room of Desert Palms ER. He'd arrived there with Catherine at least 8 hours ago and as soon as he'd walked in the door she'd been rushed away from him. He figured Jim had called ahead knowing that he'd head to the best hospital he was able to reach. As Catherine had been taken he'd managed to catch several words such as "collapsed lung", "ventilator", and "possible coma." He'd already been worried because she had shown signs of having difficulty breathing, and none of that was reassuring. Warrick a young tech from the lab had come by, apparently on Jim's orders, and had taken Lindsey to school. That had been nearly 4 hours ago.  
  
' Four hours,' Gil mused, 'two hundred and forty minutes. Fourteen thousand four hundred seconds. Lindsey would be eating lunch right about now. Catherine would be waltzing into my office any second with sandwiches wanting.to.' He was unable to complete the thought as a doctor burst through the doors separating staff and patients from friends and family. The doctor seemed to be heading in his general direction, Gil stiffened, not wanting to look weak in front of strangers.  
  
"Is there a Gil Grissom anywhere in here?" the doctor was looking for him. Gil prayed that the news was good.  
  
"I'm he," his hands were trembling.  
  
"Did you bring in a." the other man consulted his charts. "A Catherine Marne?"  
  
Marne? He hadn't even noticed his use of her maiden name. "Yes."  
  
"We have some news for you," the doctor seemed almost unable to look him in the eye. "It isn't all good."  
  
"O-o-ok," he cursed the stutter that appeared when his father was around and when he was afraid. The rain beat a harsh tattoo; filling the momentary silence.  
  
Playground school bell rings again  
  
Rain clouds come to play again  
  
"Ms. Marne slipped into a coma about an hour ago. Her right lung is collapsed due to a rib fracture. As she cannot breathe on her own, she is on a ventilator. Her condition is listed as 'critical'," the doctor finally told him all in one breath. "They say that if she makes it through tonight she has a good chance of pulling through. Is there anyone that you would like to call? To notify? A boss perhaps? Her family?"  
  
'Is this what it feels like? To be on the other side of the news? To be receiving instead of giving?' Gil was so caught up in his thoughts that he hardly noticed the words leaving his mouth, "No, well, yes. I'll call them in a little while."  
  
"I'm very sorry," the doctor said and he was gone.  
  
Gil sank into his seat, weary, and sighed. The sigh was choked by a sob as he finally realized one phrase, 'if she makes it through tonight.'  
  
'I stand amid the roar, of a surf-tormented shore, and I hold within my hand, grains of the golden sand-' His mind taunted him, with the words of Poe as its weapon.  
  
"How few! yet how they creep, through my fingers to the deep, while I weep-- while I weep! O God! can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp?-" he murmured. Gil usually found solace in the reciting of any snippet of literature that his mind could bring forth, but this was not helping.  
  
Has no one told you she's not breathing?  
  
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to  
  
Hello  
  
Gil continued to whisper, "O God! can I not save, one from the pitiless wave? is all that we see or seem, but a dream within a dream?"  
  
"Edgar Allen Poe, A Dream Within A Dream," Warrick's almost shy voice reached his ears.  
  
"How did you guess?"  
  
"I read too. What's the news?"  
  
"What news?"  
  
"The news that has you so upset that you're quoting Poe."  
  
Gil told him about the coma and the ventilator and the rib and the fact that she shouldn't be here; she should be pestering him to get her a soda, or a meal or whatever. When he reached that point he decided to shut up lest he openly sob.  
  
Warrick merely put his hand on the older man's shoulder and offered to take over the waiting; an offer that was blatantly refused. Before Warrick could offer to tell Brass the news, he was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. It was Nick, another tech. He moved away from Grissom and answered it.  
  
"Warrick."  
  
"Yeah, um, Brass wants to know who's gonna pick Lindsey up and when and he's kinda demanding news."  
  
"He is or the lab is?"  
  
"Both."  
  
After about fifteen minutes an a few "Oh my God's" Warrick informed Nick that he would pick up the girl at school about ten minutes before it let out.  
  
"Hey, Warr?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"How's Gris taking it?"  
  
"If you were married, how would you handle it if your wife were in that situation?"  
  
"Alright. I get the picture. Call when you pick up Lindsey," Nick hung up.  
  
Warrick turned around to notice Grissom walking back towards where the patients were held. He contemplated following for a moment then decided against it. Grissom needed to be alone for awhile.  
  
If I smile and don't believe  
  
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream  
  
'Catherine would hate this. The walls are beige, she likes blue. The sheets are too white,' Grissom noted, trying to focus on anything except the small, fragile china doll tucked into the bed so carefully. That was not Catherine. In name, yes. In his mind, no. The real Catherine would be saying things like 'that clock does not go with the décor.' Gil smiled fondly. That was the real Cath.  
  
Grissom knew that he was going to wake up any minute with his head on a mile high stack of papers, his Big Mouth Billy Bass watchdog announcing the arrival of a slack and blouse clad strawberry-blonde. But then the machines' beeping interrupted his daydream and brought him back into the living nightmare.  
  
The nightmare that he'd begun.  
  
If only he hadn't argued with her. If only he'd insisted on going with her. If only he'd driven one bit faster. If, if, if.  
  
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken  
  
He wondered if Lindsey even knew what had happened to her mother. Catherine had always tried to keep the 'happy family' façade up around her daughter. Lying in order to keep her husband's anger directed away from the child.  
  
Eddie. The bane of Gil's existence. He deserved to be tarred and feathered, castrated, hung, then set on fire, if not much worse.  
  
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide  
  
Gil's anger towards Ed was not as strong as his guilt and grief. He broke down. He cried as he had never cried before. Long anguished sobs, all of his hatred towards his father and Eddie, his guilt at his part in recent events, and his grief at his best friend's condition finally surfacing.  
  
Don't cry  
  
Gil couldn't bear it any longer and he staggered from the room. He then proceeded to collapse against the outside wall; the various beeps coming from the machines giving him a rhythm on which to base his breathing.  
  
'It's 3:45. Lins'll be here any.' the cession of the steady beeping caused him to falter in his thinking.  
  
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping  
  
The beeping resumed. However, it was not in the staccato rhythm he'd grown accustomed to; it was a long, singular beep. Almost a siren. Gil didn't flinch as doctors, nurses, and various other personnel rushed into the room he had just left.  
  
'It's a nightmare. It's all a nightmare.' And in a way he was right.  
  
Hello I'm still here  
  
All that's left of yesterday 


	5. Gloomy Sunday

Title: Gloomy Sunday 

Author: Catherine Grissom

E-Mail:

Rating: Uh...I'd say PG-13...But to be safe, a soft R.

Pairings: _Looks up at the section marked "Author"_ If that doesn't tell ya...

Feedback: Please? Flames will be used to roast marshmallows...

A/N: Let's get this straight. Socrates (Socra- tees not 'So-Crates') was a Greek philosopher who elected to commit suicide by drinking hemlock rather than be exiled and lose his citizenship. That's what that reference is. The song Gloomy Sunday was commonly called 'The Suicide Song' in the early part of the 20th Century. People who have heard the song will be able to figure this story out. If you really want to know what I was thinking of doing, look up the original direct-to-English translation. You will thank me for scrapping that idea.

Disclaimer: Me no own, you no sue.

Song: 'Gloomy Sunday' by Sarah McLachlan...Or Iva Bittova if you have the Man Who Cried soundtrack.

A/N2: Holy crap it's been a long time.....What do I have to say for myself, you ask? Well....Nothing...I am an idiot and a moron and a b!tch for leaving you hanging for that long...There. That's said. Continue please.

One week. A Sunday to a Sunday. It was hard to believe. To Gil Grissom it felt that all of time had slowed and merged until all of his existence was one moment of unbelievable loss.

She was gone. His life, his love, his very soul now lay in a mahogany box, six feet below where he stood. All that gave any hint as to what lay there was a small placard reading "Willows, Catherine Elizabeth". A crystalline drop landed, blurring the 'C' in the type.

He couldn't remember when he'd cried before her death. He couldn't recall when his tears had ceased since. Tears, alcohol, and hatred were all that filled him now.

He wasn't angry with the man that had done this to her. Eddie had been arrested no more than 10 minutes after she had passed. No, Gil Grissom hated no one but himself.

If only he'd moved when she walked out of his townhouse. If only he'd called to her. If only he'd kept her there, safe, with him...If, if, if...His life was filled with 'what if's.

Every night his mind replayed it, each time it was different, each time he'd kept her from that house, each time he'd told her he loved her, each time they had shared a bed. Every morning he'd wake, her name on his lips, the scent of her hair filling his nostrils, his heart filled with the hope that, maybe, this time, it hadn't been a dream.

And every morning, another piece of him died.

_Sunday is Gloomy,  
My hours are slumberless,  
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless_

It had taken three days for her death to sink in, but even still her spirit haunted him, waiting for him in the kitchen, hovering near his vehicle when he visited the city on a whim. Just as he had this morning.

Well, it hadn't been so much of a whim as a wish to find a unique way to say goodbye. He'd set out on a search for Stargazer lilies and Sweet Peas, two of her favorites. Instead he'd received an elegant arrangement of Stars of Bethlehem, Stephanotis, both of which were small white blooms with little fragrance, but the centerpiece, what had caught his eye, was a single, blood-red rose.

_Little white flowers will never awaken you  
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you_

At the time he hadn't known what had possessed him to buy it, but now he thought he knew. It reminded him of her; a stunningly tragic beauty standing out in a crowd of plain faces. A beauty that would never truly belong to him. As he laid the flowers on the soil covering her casket, his solace was that soon he would be with her.

Hopefully.

_Angels have no thought of ever returning you  
__Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?  
__Gloomy Sunday _

Gil turned from the grave and headed back to where Jim was waiting. The entire shift had taken to watching him, making sure he didn't try to drown himself in alcohol. They were afraid he would 'do something drastic'. The dynamic at work had pulled a one-eighty. Instead of him encouraging and watching out for the younger CSI's, the younger CSI's were encouraging and watching out for him.

It almost made him smile. Almost.

He nodded sadly at Jim, the signal that he was ready to go. He climbed in the car and they took off toward his townhouse.

He couldn't call it 'home' anymore, he'd noticed. Catherine was 'home', and Catherine was dead. Home had died with her.

She still hadn't left him, though. Her memory danced in his mind the way she had once danced in the surprise snow that Las Vegas had received one winter. She'd looked so radiant, surrounded by the swirling crystals, that, for once, he'd forgotten that they had work to do.

The storm in his mind eased somewhat. That was how he would remember her. Carefree and beaming in a flurry of shimmering white. He captured the image in his mind for a moment and allowed himself a soft smile.

When the car finally stopped, Gil automatically opened the door, only to hesitate when Jim asked, "You gonna be alright?"

Gil thought for a moment, "Yeah," was all he said.

Jim nodded and waited until Gil reached the door before easing into the street.

_Sunday is gloomy  
__With shadows I spend it all  
__My heart and I have decided to end it all_

The old tune had been playing through Gil's mind all day. It was fitting, he thought, and, within minutes, the note was on the counter.

It was rather short, only three lines. No doubt someone would recognize the lines, probably Warrick. He vaguely wondered if one could be sued for copyright violation post-mortem.

_Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,  
__I know, let them not weep,  
__Let them know that I'm glad to go _

It was all too simple to gather what he needed. Within minutes he was ready. He held her picture, softly caressing the image of her smiling face.

He sighed deeply. Now or never. He threw back the shot, the bitter almond taste causing him to choke slightly.

'Socrates had the right idea,' he thought.

All too soon he felt that he was flying. He smiled; the end was near.

"Catherine," he breathed softly as the image of her filled his mind.

"Gil," the vision spoke softly.

_Death is no dream,  
__For in death I'm caressing you  
__With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you  
__Gloomy Sunday  
_

Gil's eyes fluttered open. He waited, puzzled, for the fog in his mind to clear. His head seemed to be raised and lowered repeatedly, in a soft, steady rhythm.

His head was resting on her chest. She was sound asleep, her hand resting on his head.

Gil smiled relieved. It had all been a dream. His love, his life, was here, safe and warm.

Alive.

Snoring slightly, but still alive. Gil found himself falling in love with the sound of her breathing, simply because he could hear it.

_Dreaming  
__I was only dreaming  
__I wake and I find you  
__Asleep in the deep of  
__My heart  
__Dear_

Gil smiled contentedly, and softly kissed her lips. Happy to simply be near her. Wanting to be closer, but blissful with just this small contact.

He twisted his arm around her waist, not noticing the discomfort the chair caused, placed his head back on her chest, and fell asleep, matching his breathing with hers. The rain outside continued to fall softly.

This time, Gil Grissom did not dream.

_Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you  
__My heart is telling you how much I wanted you  
__Gloomy Sunday_


End file.
